Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in paperlilies' LiveJournal:

Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
4:25 pm	Long ass work writings hellewwwww i am currently at work... its pretty boring. Wow, big whoop, right? I felt like i used to feel about going to school this morning. ie, i didn’t want to go. But i actually had about 7 hours sleep! So i have been awake and alert and not feeling like a crazed alien all day. Which is nice for a change. They want me to do some overtime doing the most complicated and tedious data entry, but for the same rate of pay as i usually get. It would be nice to have some extra cash i guess, but not at the risk of my life. Because data entry=soul destroying. I was going to write this as an email, but i didn’t know who to, and i didn’t know what for, so, blog, here you go! It seems insane that it's only 11.39 am. It feels so much later than that! Like, 5 pm or something. How depressing that it will be dark when i leave this building to go home. I have been trying to write a pitch, but my goodness i had not though of how complicated it would be! I feel like i'm sending stuff to the dragons on Dragon's Den. Maybe i should go on that show! haha, yeah right, and be hung drawn and quartered on tv! I watched CSI last night, it was an absolute joke. I love that show, but it really doesn't do itself any favours. I mean, on last night's CSI:NY, they tied a guy to the scene of the crime via a leaf print on his coat. A LEAF PRINT. How lame!! And how conveeeeenient! There is always some bullshit thing like a fleck of paint under a fingernail, that when put through some magical database turns out to be only from one car manufacturer, and only ever painted onto 4 cars in existence, 2 of which are in Japan, one in France, and the other 'conveniently' in the garage of their single suspect. Who is probably a paedo or something equally unsympathetic so you already hate their guts. Actually, it would only be a paedophile if it was CSI:Miami, as they get Horatio so riled up and righteous. H is a weird character. Some of the time i'm like "You go, Mr Caine!!" and other times I'm like, "you are such a dick." He has the WORST lines, but he delivers them with such pathos... removing his glasses, or putting them back on to added dramatic effect. I think he must have gone to the Shatner Academy of Acting. eh, I don't know. I know CSI isn't supposed to be particularly artistically relevant, and it IS just entertainment, but i can't suspend my disbelief so much sometimes, you know? That annoys me, when people ask questions in text like you can actually answer them. But I do it all the time. It bugs me. I have been watching a guy called PaperPhoenix on the 'Tubes. I was/am obsessing over one video he made with split screen, which i think is fantastic on about 20 levels. and also because i'm pretty sure it wasn't made with that in mind so much as i have projected its genius onto it. God i sound like such a wanker when i am trying to describe things. Also, he is a graphic designer, and he's the same age as me. Of all the people i went to uni with, only 2 are what you would really call 'graphic designers' after a year and a half, so i feel like i want to figure out what this guy is doing right that he's doing it on his own (as far as i know). Um… stalker much? I miss being at school and talking like the kids on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. All my friends said I wanted to be American. Which I suppose I did, as I thought it’d be way cool to go to an American High School (and ‘High School’ sounds SO much cooler than ‘Secondary School’) and I thought everyone would want to know me because I would have had a ‘cool’ English accent. Did you know (Americans) that pretty much all schools in England have a uniform? Mine was so lame, but looking back, I guess it was kind of cool to not have to think about what you were going to wear that day. My school (and it was a girl’s school, too) had a dark green blazer, white shirt and dark red tie. And our skirts were these kilt things, which were green and blue and black check. It was pretty lame. There was a boys school right next door to our school- it was ridiculous. Oh man, I am SO BORED!!! ‘Weeee’re the Chipmunks!! C-H-I-P MMMM-U-N-KAY! We are here to brighten your day!’ I think that last line was wrong, as it goes. That’s in my head since one of my colleagues told me about someone who apparently looks like Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks. What the hells was that show even… about? Why were these chipmunks living with that guy? Were they some kind of unholy child/chipmunk amalgamation? What was their relationship to Eric, or whatever the name of that guy they lived with’s name was. They didn’t look much like Chipmunks. Man, that show was weird. It’s funny how your mind wanders. Once in school, I got muddled up in the middle of a sentence that I was saying (I don’t know how!) and instead of saying ‘I wondered….’ I said ‘I wanted to wonder…’ and then everyone took the piss about it for ages. Douches. Normally I’m more tired during the day, so I guess the crushing boredom kind of dissipates. But today… let me just say that it is dragging somewhat. Current Mood: exanimate (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
11:57 am	something else i wrote whilst at work that i can't remember if i posted elsewhere Ok, I have to type something so I stay awake. Jesus I am tired. I just didn't get tired last night. I think I must have been exhausted but my mind was racing. I decided a little while ago that I was going to allow myself to stay up as late as I liked, if I suddenly had some creative outburst. And when I am making/designing/drawing/whatever, I get into what we on my foundation course termed 'the zone'. I love being in the zone! Even though the next day, if I am at work, I wil regret not going to bed earlier, I think me being creative is more important than me being good at my job, which, as we all know, I do not care about. Anyway, so last night I made a load of jewellery. I got really into it, and made some really nice stuff. But didn't crash into bed til about 3.30. This morning I feel so awful! More tired than ever. Like I am going to have to prop my eyes open. I'm drifting off just typing this. Oh for the days when I had my own office, and icould just have a little sleep... Yes, 5 minutes would be nice. I am very tempted to go to another floor in this place and sleep for a bit in a toilet cubicle. (the locks, you see?) This day is as uneventful as ever. The excitement in the air is palpable. No really, it is. I hate the small talk here!! You don't care about me or how my 'job hunt' is going!! Or what I did at the weekend!! Just the same as I don't care about YOUR weekend!! (I'm talking about these people around me in the office, who I have nothing in common with. It's odd. I wonder what their youtube channels would be like and if I would like them more. (Comment on this)
11:56 am	Wisdom of A I can't remember where i posted this before, but i feel like i did. haha this shit makes me laugh at how much i want to kill all humans. they don't seem to believe in loo roll it was their 6th cubicle before i found toilet paper it was just sloppy i'd prefer to watch something at home i had a job staying awake i dozed off in the middle People are still walking around in tshirts and they've got flipping christmas trees and christmas brochures It's ridiculous I wish I was an animal that could migrate It was so dark in there that I couldn't see a thing In the town you have the hassle of parking and waiting times The traffic along there was really bad, but then, it was 5 o'clock Oh for god's sake this is ridiculous If im not confused by the end of this I'll be surprised I'm a soulless cynical lifeless old cow, made from warts and bogies and frowns. I spend all of my money on middle-aged lady clothes and trips to see ageing rock bands, mostly because one of the few things which get me through the day is complaining about not having any money for anything. I usually go shopping every evening for food in Waitrose. I'm that sort of a lady. I have no money because I spend it all on becoming more and more like myself. And my precious burgular alarm, which I have to have because I live in a shitty area of town in a house I only stay in because I was once happy here before my husband left me and my kids grew up. I was soulless then, too, but atleast I wasn't old. I love to complain and see only the very worst in every situation. I can't imagine ever being truly happy again. Ok, one of them is made up... But I don't think it is obvious which one it is. (at phone ringing) 'it's like working in a disco' 01/11/06 I don't like it It's asbo central You have to pay extra for that. I do. It's dreadful there. Really awful. She'd had that car 15 years. It was part of her life Kids are a bit of a bugger, I tell ya. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 19th, 2006
4:57 pm	I HATE HER!! OK I have seriously had it up to here with [woman in my office who i am supposed to job share with, who shall henceforth be called 'she' in this ranty emo rant] [please do not feel obliged to read this all the way through, i think it gets repetetive]. She just shuts me out!! I'm supposed to 'job share' with her but she basically tells me what to do,she is so manipulative and bullying! I really don't know what to do about it. She is such a bitch!! I HATE HER!! She's not even here today! I just sent her an email which she won't get til Monday anyway, as she works Monday to weds, and I got an Out Of Office reply, saying that 'if it is urgent, please contact (our boss) on (her number)' No mention of me whatsoever!! I HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEEE HER!!!! :'( We have a job where we call people and ask them to be on the panel for academic meetings. That sounds like some kind of cold calling thing, but they are expecting it. Its an ok job. But I really feel like crap when people call up or email and I have NO IDEA what they are referring to because She never updates any of the shared files we are supposed to refer to. What the hell did I ever do to her?! She clearly thinks I am stepping on her territory as she used to do this job full time before she had her ugly sprog who's pukesome visage is staring at me right now from her desk (he looks like a Riddler. Shudder). She calls her maid or mother in law or whoever all the time during the day asking after him and what he's eaten in the most excruciating voice. I HATE HER!! (yes, maid. she's fucking loaded because of her rich husband) And the filing system which I set up and am so proud of (it does rule, for a filing system. It is rainbow ordered! <3), she shits all over! She just dumps stuff in there, all over the place. And then laughs at me if I call her on it and calls me anally retentive. What else? Um, she always gangs up on me with one of the other women in here. They are ALWAYS talking about food. Its so fucking BORING!! They are both the type of woman who goes on diets and watches Location Location Location. (PS, if you watch that show, and you aren't about to buy a house. Or even then, really, I hate you, too) So I suppose in all, I am not happy in this job because even though It is not my ideal job, and I don't especially want to be here for long, I am moderately good at it IF I HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE. But she passive aggressively thwarts my attempts to do anything proactive and constantly makes me look stupid and demeaned by not informing me of anything regarding OUR responsibilities. Oh yes, the other thing, which I just remembered- there are many papers and forms which we have to collate and send out to people. Some of these forms are the same for each thing, so I thought it would be a good idea to stockpile some so I didn't have to hunt them down everytime. Well, I made up a file of these, and told her about them, as I was hunting them down in our labyrinthine computer filing system, to which she replied 'that's a good idea' (or something). I today discovered that she not only has an entire folder of these forms (and more!) but she has a full file of panel members, which was updated with all the information that I had painstakingly sifted through all the databases for. Again, making me waste my time, before looking like a totally stupid idiot. And I always tell her what I am doing!! Like the spreadsheet I made to record who we had asked to do what and when, I told her about it! But she has her own little system which works in her head just for her, so I am again cut out of the picture. It kind of sounds like I totally don't need to be here, but the reason it all gets me so annoyed is because I get calls from people from all over the place, who our organisation has to keep good ties with (professors and directors of other institutes etc) and I am left embarrasedly trying to cover up the fact that I have no idea what they are talking about, despite my best efforts to keep myself informed. Wow, if you read all that, welcome to my emo office! Now that I have vented I feel a little better :) Though I keep thinking about pois, which really RILE ME UP!!!!!!!!!!! (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
4:01 pm	BABIES do not belong in the office They are talking about babies!!! Again! When they brought up the subject of an ex colleague coming in with her baby grandson tomorrow I let out a displeased 'Oh man!!' kind of accidentally. It was ignored or not noticed, and then the conversation went on to how this ex colleague was going to take the kid to the staffroom as she felt that some people thought she was disrupting things when she came before. The last time she came in, I steadfastly continued my photocopying, trying my best to meld into the copier so as I didn't have to turn around and be involved with the scene behind me, which was akin to the cattle lowing at the baby jesus in the manger. Staff from far away (female staff, I should add) came from far and wide to ask about the baby's weight, how well he sleeps, how big he is, etc etc etc etc etc. And on and on, while I photocopied page after page. And to top it all, the baby wasn't even cute!! You know how babies sometimes look kind of like adult people, not as plain as a regular baby- they seem to have attributes of an adult, like, this baby looked smug and mean, and stupid. And ugly. Just being small doesn't make something cute. I know- it's just a baby. But I really don't get the big deal, and it grosses me out, to be honest. There is a creepiness to it which I just can't seem to fathom. Do men feel like this about babies? I kind of get the impression that people find me a freak for not going gaga over babies by default, but would they think that if I were a man? Babies seem kind of like a really burdensome pet to me. All this may sound like I am really really cold, but I do sometimes see babies which I honestly think are really cute and adorable and stuff, but the majority really don't. I hate that if I bring up the subject of babies not all being cute by definition, I get shouted down as being super harsh and a crazy womb-less she beast. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
3:38 pm	Tales from the office Oh for the love of the universe! There are 3 women around me talking about babies and having 3 children instead of 2. Why do they have to have such repetetive conversations? SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMEN! They are so damn stereotypical. Always talking about babies and children and shit like... Getting married and shopping in Marks & Spencers. Ok now they are talking about chinese food and disliking it. And now holidays. "I'd love to do that! I'd love to see the animals in the wild." "I'd love to go and do safari" I get so judgmental at work. All judgy on everyone who speaks around me. Wishing swift but harsh deaths on all! SHUT UP ABOUT HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 Aparently "they pester you in Egypt" "that was an experience in itself!" "he did two weeks the other year" I seriously can't concentrate. They are talking about all the poverty in Cairo. "seen this with my own eyes" "I'll stick with what I've got here. If I wanna see it I'll see it on a video thanks" *staples self to death* Current Mood: bitchy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
9:22 am	sleep? Oks. I am so crazy tired. I wasn't even sleepy 'til gone 4 am, and i got up at 7.30. I'm really toying with the idea to go in the other office and sleep... Last night i tried to make a video in response to boh3m3's video about Plans and Dreams, but i had to write stuff down for it. It has been weighing on my mind lately, the whole possibilities, hopes, blah blah blah. Its not as easy as just turning on a camera and talking, or it goes all emo. i almost started crying at one point. So yeah, binned those takes! A few people have contacted me about the Geisha Girl video, one who wants to project it onto a bridge in LA, and another who has painted a picture from it, which has been picked to hang in the Victoria and Albert Museum this weekend! I don't know what to make of it, as on the one hand i am excited but i also have to admit that i feel a little bit of a charlatan... I was never trying to make a statement with that video, or show the world something. I don't know what it was. Just an idea i had fleetingly. I had a sequel of sorts in the works but it is a huge job so is taking a while. Oh, alsoi have a video idea to outdo Brookers lipsynch Chicago video. I really want to do it but it is going to be a huuuuuge job! My language in this post is moronic. Like i said, i'm tired. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 5th, 2006
11:40 am	Epic Poem Ok this is an email i wrote with my friend from university, Andy. We each wrote two lines, starting with my one line first, which i emailed to him, whence (yeah that's right, 'whence') he responded with the next two, and so on. It took many weeks, as i only work on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and it was via our work emails that we corresponded. Andy has since left his job and i never talk to him anymore :( i may repost this with notes and explanations. Though i think it is quite good as is, to be honest. I expect to be contacted soon HRH The Queen with offers to be her poet laureate. But i won't accept. I want to keep it real. 4 real. -Boiled radiator legs -Supping on the dregs -Of a cup of potato and leek -soup for lunch, every week -but not today, no -a simple bread roll -is all i have to eat -I don't have any meat -so I shall have it plain -like all girls known as jane -how unfortunate it is, for them -this cheese sauce looks like phlegm -on my pasta bake from the canteen -i hope ts crustyness doesnt rupture my spleen -that would be bad -like my lunch I just had -it wasn't great -thats unlucky mate -iv just been given a nice bakewell tart -that's well smart -I just got a paper cut -it seems you must be the butt -of some cruel joke played by god -yes it seems quite odd -you are having a lucky day -yes it is quite gay -in the old english sense of course -nothing rhymes except horse -though that doesn't make sense -the horse could maybe jump a fence? -or it could be a metaphor- for smack? -or even, crack? -I feel like a junkie -maybe just a flunkie -your chess etiquette leaves a lot to be desired -this cheek is not required -I am playing by the rules -apologies i feel like a fool -i have realised my mistake -your remorse is just so fake -you are not sorry -i am, sorry like a lorry(?) -what the hell is this? -must give this a miss -for a bit -the office is too well lit -for my hungover eyes -I wish I had some pies -with which to fill my belly -im so hungry id consider eating jelly -which i dont like very much -If like Anna I was Dutch -I'd eat Gouda -Or a hot chilli chowder -which isnt dutch but infact texan -my golden hair is flaxen -nice try Mr Green -your vocabulary has a golden sheen -although not strictly a ryhme -it ain't no crime -what you gonna do? -what im gonna do? your gonna screw -when i sit back and eat this orange -this is a challenge -its made my face go purple -like donatello ninja turtle -my favourite was michelangelo -Andy you are sucha flange-elo -Look what you have reduced me to -but what a word flange-elo is to view -you have surpassed yourself, you deserve kudos -I am at a loss -your challenges lack depth -says you, theres no bredth -my words are incomparable -go tend your sheep on land which is arable -you don't win gold, you win silver -you rhyme like my great aunt hilda -i tire of the difficulty levels involved, lets make this easier -every day you get sleazier -I love the Sugarman -as much as you love sauruman -of lord of the rings fame, you ork -I have to go now, you dork -Have a nice week! -oooooh the cheek -leaving work is unacceptable -alas, now I am back in this receptacle -on a dreary Wednesday morning -im here too its boring -my outlook has been broken all day -I say, that's quite gay -I must offer my condolences -What would that achieve? the consequences -have already been and gone -I wish I was in this office all alone -shut your face it's a half rhyme -its about time -i got let off after some of your pitiful attempts -your head is as bald as a million ross kemps -he is the best one off Eastenders -that program is full of pretenders -i dislike it now i work so hard -im a dracula like Alucard -Sir Alan says "you're FIRED!" -i missed it last night cos i was wired -not on drugs you see but high on life -these lies they cause me strife -perhaps its time for a new poem? -anna saw the filming of bullseye yesterday with jim bowen -i think we should make this the longest poem in the world (although it is a bit boring) -To rhyme with, I don't know which word (I don't want to play this any more.....ing) -let us be silent for a while -hushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (2 Comments |Comment on this)
11:40 am	More wisdom of A Oh, this was an original list, where i tried to keep a track of all the things she doesn't like. It got boring, so after one morning i gave up. greasy food, dry wine, red wine, creepy hotels, ghosts and bodies, being the first people down for dinner, my tv ariel, brent cross, the M25, The North Circular, Ikea, riding in coaches when they don't have any seatbelts, kids bouncing about in the back of cars, flying in planes, seeing planes, not full semesters, Jeffrey Pearson's rudeness - you could never track him down and he was very rude to everyone. There's nothing worse than your biro running out. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:39 am	The wisdom of A Ok, I have just been going through my personal files on here (there are way too many) and I have found this gem! It was a .txt file I had of all the things she said one day, or in the space of an hour one afternoon or something. I had to put it all down so I didn't go insane and stab her with various office supplies. Gillian McKeith looks terrible. the woman's weird. she's always looking at poo! holby city is a bit gory, i have to have a newspaper on my lap so i can cover my eyes. i wish they could just tell us whats happening. i don't need to see all the blood and guts. too many parking permit holder bays it was so annoying, all that space, and i had to go half a mile away now they've started ticketing people they came round every sunday and started targeting cars. we had to park there, we parked in this cul-de-sac. Look, its raining... they ticketed all the other cars that weren't doing any harm at all. Is the council that bloody desperate?? I can't complain, they are making an effort to brighten Edmonton up. Atleast we're getting some of the money for once, usually we get totally neglected. Its the people that cause the problems plus half the houses there are for asylum seekers some of them were really scummy rats dont get me wrong im not being funny That sounds fishy thats fishy fishy he was probably looking for a vulnerable old age pensioner strange little man come to do a washing machine repair the numbers on my door are this high she normaly gets the hotpoint people to come i dont think he was a repairman at all where were his tools? They didnt have sinks!! they should have put it to one side of the tap the water canme down on one side of the marble you been in them loos yet? bloody technology the first time i'd ever been abroad we went to a service station i jumped out of my skin thinking there was someone behind me you had to go upstairs in this building these loos what's she doing in there? the floor was like a metal grille big metal lid with a blue light i couldnt make head nor tail of it i don't like those french loos you stand on 2 little footplates why couldnt you just put a pan on there? she had warned me that when you flush the whole thing gets washed i was hanging on the top of the cubicle that's dreadful when i went greece last year you couldnt put loo roll down the toilet you must put your toilet paper down the toilet alot of PHD students from overseas they were putting it in the bin and it was stinking i didnt like that when i was away as it goes not nice at all don't get a job as a maid in greece then i don't get excited when i go in Greggs i want to go to Romford over Easter, i want to go to Primark. (Comment on this)
11:39 am	Cold, and my colleague OK, ok, ok..... Ok. MAN I am freezing my ASS off. The delight that is known as Anne is here to make this otherwise grey day... Even greyer. Ok so I wake up (after going to sleep maybe 3 hours before... But more about that later) and I'm actually warm! Someone's just had a shower so the bathroom is all toasty when I go in there. I'm off to a good start. I am warm and my hair is clean (I hate being cold and/or having greasy hair in the morning). I have a cup of tea (provided by my dad) and it's all going great. However. (now I have to explain something) I get cold. I mean, I get really cold. Cold like I feel like im a Jane Doe in CSI. And once I get cold, that's pretty much it, I will be cold for the forseeable future. This is the main reason (only reason, come to think of it) that I love summer and have only a grudging tolerance for the other seasons. I do not like being cold. I DO NOT like being cold. I have been to the doctor many's the time to ask if there is something medical to explain why I am always so damn cold when everyone else is swanning around in bikinis (ok its not that extreme) but even after having blood tests for thyroid function and various other possible causes, nothing other than being slightly anaemic (not having enough blood?!) has shown up. It sometimes really upsets me as I hate having to wear 2 jumpers and 2 pairs of trousers (pyjama mants under jeans = snuggly warm), sit next to the fireplace or radiator (like, making-out close to it) and have everyone else look at me like I am seriously insane and want to open a window because they are 'boiling'. (ok, background story done) I get in the car, and I realise halfway to work that I've gotten cold. The cold air inside the car has chilled my legs and I'm cold. It's not a surface coldness, it feels like my bones have marrow made of ice or something. It feels central. I mean, I am sitting in my office right now, wearing trousers, socks, a huge thick coat. There is no reason that I should be cold, really, as its not *that* cold out there. Its probably the first really chilly day we've had this year to be honest. But yes, I am now cold. I'm in the office with a grumpy old lady who just showed me that we are in an office which is 2 degrees Celsius below the legal limit, yet started bitching about her eyes stinging and her nose hurting if the shitty room heater thing we have gets turned on. So i.... Have no option other than to freeze my ass off. I hate that woman. I really do. Ok I don't *hate* her, I just really really dislike her personality. She really does seem to have a knack for turning everything around to the most negative angle. And now she won't let me turn on the heater so I am not so painfully cold? Oh no you di'n't! So I emailed the caretakers to ask that they turn on the radiators in here but so far, I haven't heard back. They'll probably come turn it on tomorrow. When I am not at work. Ok I really am going to keep a running track of this lady's issues today: (on the move from one campus to another, which is unpopular with staff) -my car will soon wear out with the journey all the way to there. I was hoping it'd last 10 years like the last one but it won't with that journey. -I hate public transport. I can't bear it. -it's disgusting. -He hasn't even read this properly - there's some real gaffes in the grammar -I ended up with such acheing legs that I couldn't sleep at night -oh bugger they don't give you enough space to have a really good whinge. I really wanted to lay into them! -she said the journey was horrendous. I hope for her sake she's near retirement so she won't have to go back there. -it's not something you'd carry in your bag. -oh god this is so frustrating, not being able to get at things. -oh for godsssssake. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
11:31 am	At work. Blogging. blah. So you open the door and you step inside You're inside your heart Yeah, I dunno. I have that high feeling of having only had about 3 hours sleep. I actually turned the light off at about 3, but spent over an hour just laying in the dark thinking in an American accent. I'm at work, which is why I am writing in here again. Though I am actually composing this message in Microsoft Outlook. Last night I wrote some more applications, spending forever on one for The National Gallery, and was stuffing it into an envelope when I noticed the deadline was last Friday. Though, I am getting used to this job application business. It's tedious but you have to get into the mindframe of (adopts renetto preacher voice) belieeeeeving in yahself. And you start to truly think that you are the perfect person for whatever job it is you are applying to. I couldn't find a stamp when I woke up so I still haven't sent it. (I thought I may aswell try) I went on Stickam yesterday, and shall be doing so again tonight, at around 9pm UK time which I guess is something like 4 pm US? I have been on it before but not able to speak as its so damn late in the UK (I'm talking like, 2am) and my mum sleeps on the other side of a goddamn paper wall. I am really sick of living here. Well, there, as I am at work right now. But yeah, tonight, I shall be speaking! Its rather exciting/daunting. And funny how when you are in the situation of being on camera you have to watch what you do with your face, as any flicker of 'oh my god, what an idiot' might flash onto your face and really offend whoever just said 'show us Ur titz'. This morning I got into work and went straight to the cafeteria, to buy my breakfast of one sausage and one hash brown (very reasonable at 55 pence) and I was thinking about how when you have a morning routine, you ... Ok, I have to pause. My esteemed colleague, and I'm gonna name her, Anne. Well she is not the most bright and shiny happy lady you'll meet. She is sitting next to me whining. Everything for this woman is worthy of moaning. And another of the (4 people in a 2 person office) women in here has just come in and she sounds like hell- she is totally ill! I am sitting in here and feel like I can see the microbes all around me. I don't want to catch a fucking virus!! I have already been ill this past few weeks. I feel like ranting about the fucked up work attitudes we have in this shit country. But I won't because its so tedious and boring. But yay, I get to breathe in a soup of illness and misery while I file. Anyway, back to Anne. She seriously moans about everything! If she is not clinically depressed I would be very surprised as I cannot imagine anyone having a more bleak outlook on the world than this grim grey lady. But the thing is, she's a nice person! She is pleasant to speak with and when she is on a topic of interest, she is ok! But she has the worst habit of turning everything around to the negative side of it. And it kills me because I used to be the same, so I recognise the same qualities in her as I used to have. But now I am far more likely to cheesily 'look on the bright side' because it just makes for a less depressing world. So I'm pretty lame to bitch to because I am constantly saying things like 'well atleast...' and seeing the positive. Anne seems to be the antithesis of that. Ok where was I? Routine! Yeah when you get up early and have to have a routine to get through the traffic, organise what you are doing, etc, you often see the same things every day, the same people who, even if you do not know them, and never think of them otherwise, you see everyday. When my dad used to drive me to school, we would drive past the same long haired woman on the same road every day, etc. So I was thinking about this and going to write something very poetical about it, but the two guys who are always in the canteen (fat caretaker, moderately cute security guy) weren't there! The security guy was joined by two other guys who I have never seen before. And the woman who is always sitting on the back table behind the till wasn't there, and it wasn't all the same as what I was thinking about, basically putting the lie to what I was going to say. So that sucked. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 28th, 2006
1:06 pm	Portfolio woes actually, having said that, i guess what i *should* be doing is sorting out my portfolio. I hate my portfolio. I need someone to come in and do it for me. I can't look at my own works with a fair eye. I either think it is all amazing, or, more likely, all shit. The things i consider as better are the things which i spent ages on, whereas, like most things it seems, the stuff which took me 0.8 seconds and no critical thought processes gets deemed amazing by all who lay eyes upon it. So yeah. I hate it because its been over 2 years and i STILL havent gotten my portfolio together. Its all there, i just have to choose which bits i like the best, lay them out properly and get them printed. Put them in a nice folder, send it out to the world. But my 'SuperAmazingBrain'(TM) won't let me- it wants me to do something crazy and creative with it. Therefore, the only logical possibility is to do nothing except move all the stuff i should do this with around my room. Seriously, its impossible. Whenever i start doing it i get all 'nuuuuurrr' about it and start hating on it. Its now turned into this HUGE chore, like the attic full of old junk. a behemoth, a leviathan? something big, anyway. Yeah, real big. Dammit i hate motivating myself!! (9 Comments |Comment on this)
12:57 pm	oh im so PASSIONATE! rah! (I'm a weiner) I have been thinking more about this passion I have for youtube- all the ideas falling out of my head- its actually more than when I was at uni, or, different, at least. This is outside of academia, there is no goal or result other than to make more- when I was at uni, and school, I always had in mind that it was for a certain purpose/reason: to get a degree. But all this video making is only for... Fun? It seems to be the same excitement as I had for projects at uni, but at uni I only got a handful of the projects done, whereas the videos are so quick to make! Ok im going to calm down a bit. I realise that the above paragraph wasn't very coherent. Ok, let me think about this a bit more. At school and university, I had to make/do stuff because it was required (though I loved it) Outside of that, it seems a bit of a waste of time, something that is frivolous and fun to do, so I 'shouldn't'. But fuck it! I love making videos! I love doing random design projects and making paintings for no reason. Its fun! I wish I could explain this properly. To myself, as much as anything. (I don't think many people read this, you know) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
10:34 am	something something, mind-spewage (what a word!) Ok, so now it's Thursday. Are you a-reading me still? I actually had pretty good night's sleep last night, though i do feel pretty zombified again today. I said last night that i was going to stave off too much videoing. The reason i want to stop (for a while!!) is that i juat don't have the energy for it- its very draining, from making to the editing, and the endles upload times. If i could get a shot of energy to do them, i would, but at the moment, meh. There seems to be less interesting stuff at youtube lately, or maybe just not as much stuff. I miss the good old days!! I kind of find myself wondering that the 'community' of people that i have become friends with on youtube is just another group, and that we are slowly dying out, to be replaced by others, who in turn will die out and be replaced again. Its very organic. Also there seem to be little pockets of people, groups of like-minds who you discover, and then realise they are all interwoven, like the Black Hoodie Crew, all the Orbvious stuff... (ooh, two whole examples!) Oh my god, in the office where i work (where i am currently writing this) there are 2 women, one of whom is still in typewriter mode when it comes to computers (the other day when i was explaining how to do some mundane thing on excel, she said "oh yeah, i always forget there is a right-button on the mouse!"), whilst the other is somewhat more skilled with them, but still pretty clueless. right now, the clueless one is trying to help the typewriter one, and i am sitting silently typing this.... why does the clueless one have to pretend like she is an expert in everything!! she ain't no expert! she doesn't know what she's doing!! ARGH! I cannot abide people patronisingly explaining something to someone else incorrectly. And aren't I so holier-than-thou! i'm just sitting here being a bitch, looking studious. i just realised i left the big cookie i bought yesterday in my coat pocket, which is not at work. bleh. my rank coffee shall be drunk sans cookie. Oh!! this morning i got a ton of post! I got something from germany (i hope it's what i think it is!!) and some business cards!! they have my illustrations on them! yayz! :D (the other post was some kind of banking statement and some job applications, if you are wondering. that doesn't sound like a huge amount of post, but i don't get much). Now i can't wait to do the market stall again so i can put my beautious business cards out! hooray for me! things look so beau when they are printed on proper cardstock with nice inks and cut properly. I miss the uni printers! When i was at university, we had a ton of large format printers, and letterpress (the traditional lead type you would print books and newspaper with, setting each letter by hand, one by one), and screenprinting presses, and oh man, i miss it so much! its one of those things which you really don't appreciate til you don't have it anymore. If i suddenly won the lottery (i guess there is no other way to win the lottery) i would get the whole set up to screenprint, and make shit loads of posters and books and whatever the hell else i wanted to. Screenprinted cds would be sweeet! I have just sorted out a collaborative design project with a couple of my very good friends, so that should be cool. I am beginning to regret using livejournal instead of blogger. but blogger doesn't have the same kind of reply-ing features as LJ... but blogger is easier to use and looks less like vomit-on-a-screen. and its easier to post photos and links and co. bleh. BLEH! Whatever. Its just a place to throw thingsout of the overstuffed comedy closet of my brain. *snortle* im so profound! My 'Im not going to video anymore for a bit, well, ok i will, but not so much' schtick is a pain, because as soon as i declare i am 'going on a break' with youtube, i come up with a ton of ideas all of a sudden! I had an idea last night to make a video in character as the woman from youtube who blogs about why the servers went down etc. It wouldbe her first 'video blog' and then it was going to have an animation of a barrel-o-monekys killing her maybe? i dont know. plus i have a few collaborations in the works, and another idea i had was to ask people to explain what the stuff behind them in their videos. Pipistrello, zenarcher and boh3m3 have the same background in their videos but i dont know what that stuff is!! It could be really damn boring though. add to that about 20 other ideas which im not so into. seriously. i have tons. But im not complaining, i havent had this creative a period since i was at uni. i was looking at the list of ideas last night thinking back to the list of ideas i had at uni, never to reach a conclusion. I might start posting them up somewhere, as i'm not even botheres if i make them myself, i'd just like to see them sometime. It would be cool to have someone else make a video that had been my idea! Which reminds me, where the hell is DickPonderous?! I might have to edit the bohemian rhapsody video myself. yay. hours infront of iMovie!! woooooohooooo! not. ok i better do some work :) (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
12:12 pm	*boak* I'm at work, and i just dry heaved at the realisation that the document i was holding, and about to throw away as it was so old as to be irrelevant (from October last year), was made about 4 months after i started working here. Why in hells am i working here? This isn't life!! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
11:10 am	part deux OK!! part two!! are you still with me? piss off! (kidding, come sit next to me;) Ok now i have emo-ed a little, i'm gonna change the mood a bit... *twinkly posh restaurant piano music, the sound of hushed conversation, the gentle clinking of champagne flutes. maybe a little light mirrorball action* actually i can't think of anything to write right now. Though those twho 'rites' back there were rather tasty. blah blah, work is gay, etc. If you have just joined me, then welcome, all youtubians!! (I just posted a bulletin on Youtube) I think i might put this up on myspace too. I have no idea why, other than i feel like i'm stretching my legs after a long car ride, but with writing instead. (i have just had a flashback to a very vidid memory- on the hard shoulder in France or Spain, when my family drove to the south of Spain (a long way, non Europeans) and i got out of the car and just ran, and it was amazing (i'm NOT normally an enjoyer of physical activity) i felt so alive!! ALIVE!! I had been sitting in the car for some ridiculous amount of hours and it was mindblowing to run along the flat as hell pavement on the side of the road, with loads of french drivers looking at me like i was from a home or something (i was laughing maniacally at the time). It was... good) I just had to ask someone for stuff to do at my job. Is that the way people normally operate? I'm not complaining though, oh no Siree-Bob! Damn i'll tell you who i miss from youtube- Dickponderous (i don't know whatever happened with the Bohemian Rhapsody thing. it looks like i may have to edit it), N5Corp (i think his wife made him stop using youtube), DaleATL2 (never seems to make videoblogs anymore), JUNKMANJIM!! where the hell is he!? aaand a ton others i'm sure, who i can't think of off the top of my head. Rennaisanceman86. he left. it's sad. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:43 am	no way!! a BLOG!? Wow, long time no writey. there are a few people who i converse with during the day when i am at work, via email. I am often way too verbose in the emails i send. Its a symptom of my boredom at work! Its strange how whatever i'm doing, somehow creativity is fighting to get out- i mean, right now i am at work, and i'm composing a video response in my head to a video someone made about non sexual swearing, and, well, I'm writing this email, which is more creative than what i'd be doing if i was doing what i'm supposed to. be doing that is. I miss blogging, composing words is a better way for me to express myself i think, though you do not get the intonation and feel of what someone is putting across like you do with video, its easier to review and change what you wrote so it's more coherent. But its harder to get people to listen to something when you aren't shouting it at them. Maybe. When i started making videos on youtube, i never realised i would get so much attention of the kind where people say 'UR Hott' and stuff. I mean, i never was told that i was pretty by people before. I never got the impression that people were just looking at me, you know? not listening to me, but... gazing at me? I don't know. Its a very odd sensation which i don't quite know what to make of. On the one hand it's flattering, to a point, but i also feel somewhat like noone is actually listening to what i have to say, or if they are listening, its because they only ever started watching me because 'i am teh hawt' or whatever. People have sent me YT messages which say things like 'i only started watching you because you are easy on the eye, but then i started paying attention to what you are saying'... And i just think... 'asshole!'. Can you imagine someone saying 'i only started watching you because you look like a freak, but then i realised you had a brain'? Ok noone would say that, but i resent being seen as nothing other than a 'pretty face'. Its never happened (so obviously atleast) to me in real life. Its just fucking rude, really. Anyway, what else? I'm writing this with Notepad, so that it looks vaguely like i am using Microsoft Outlook and composing an email of great importance. But i'm not, i'm writing this. Actually there are a few .txt files on this computer like this, where i've gotten to the end and thought 'nah, fuck it, thats just emo bullshit' and deleted it all. I wish i could get passionate about stuff like Seanbedlam and Ravenlaughs (and countless others) do on youtube, but my videos are so subdued- in real life, i'm far more exuberant and pissed off about stuff. Little annoying things which i get riled over for 5 minutes. But when i turn on the camera, i'm like, 'does the fact that i missed out on the sausages in the canteen really warrant a video being made about it?' I think i just don't care about much. Maybe my brain has turned to mush and i can't hold any thought in my head longer than 2 minutes. But any thought that does linger, gets added to and added to, til i cant 'pass it out' because its turned into a huge gallstone in my brain. At the moment i have a video planned with Speppers, but i haven't written the script properly yet, and a video about women on youtube, which has turned into a massive behemoth and is unlikely to ever be finished. aside from all the little ideas i have had. (there is an A4 sheet of paper at home with a list. just believe me, there are a lot more ideas which i am not going to get to do) plus the Emo Spiderman film. Maybe i should write a plot outline and get other people to make it. i wonder if anyone would take up that challenge. Seriously, how is it only 10.40? i think i might update this all day long. so woohoo for joe, who i think is the only person who has ever even seen this LJ! (ps, joe, your show rocks, i am going to listen to the rest of it when i get a chance) (i might even get the bus home so i have some ipod time. that right i'm rocking the ipod shuffle. you should totally podcast.) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 11th, 2006
3:35 am	myah woah LJ is a clunky piece of shit! why are none of the websites i use ever streamlined and efficient?! ok i dont have anything of interest to say. i might post thoughts and ramblings about what i want to talk about on the 'tube, dunno. i am SO eloquent! (6 Comments |Comment on this)